awesome giveaway

I would be so happy to win this awesome vibe. http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2012/12/day-11-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_11.html SO many ways to enter!

its a good thing im not alone tonight

because realistically here, i would probably try to kill myself. i mean hey, seems like my best bet right now

first time i've been disinterested in sex

very strange. i didn't want to have sex. which sometimes happens when im upset, but then its that i want to not have sex. last night, i just didnt feel like it. no reason beyond that. and the sex was great - i just couldn't get into it. very weird.

i just want to know

i just want to know that hes choosing me because he wants me, not because he cant have her and im second best. i want to hear him say that and mean it. not say "mhmm" if i ask if thats how he feels. or if he cant say it, then i want him to tell me that. tell me that if things would work with her, thats where hed be, but thats not the case so hes here. i just want to know.
im tired of feeling like i cant trust what he says because i dont know if he means it when he says he loves me
im tired of feeling second best
more than that, im tired of feeling like i dont even deserve to know if im what he wants or if im what hes got

he says he keeps waiting for me to be mad

well, im not mad. im not going to get mad. im sad. i have been sad and im going to be sad.
im not sad that he slept with her. im sad that it obviously meant something to him. im sad that he didnt tell me. im sad that it will obviously continue to mean something to him, that that something is what hed pick if he could. 
but apparently its only a worry if im mad.
dont worry babe im not going to get mad.

honestly, i dont know which hurts more

the idea of losing him, or the knowledge that he wishes i were someone else when i only want him

maybe it isnt that clear. idk.

based on other times hes managed to notice though, i dont feel like this is a stretch.

lately ive felt like he looks at me and he looks sad, not happy

i feel like hes been keeping a lot from me lately. that hes been mhmm-ing and nodding and telling me what i want to hear because he feels the opposite. ive been feeling this more and more lately and now it just seems so.......likely.

he either doesnt notice im clearly upset or doesnt feel like dealing with it

not sure which option makes me feel more ignored

he says hes still here like that says something

it doesnt say you still want to be here

i feel like hes settling

maybe he means it when he says she wouldnt make him happy in the long run, that it wouldnt work. i still feel like hes with me only because he believes it wouldnt work with her. im his second best. if even that.

i can relate to this prose a lot more than i planned....

i sure feel a wall.

too hard

its much too hard. just so sad.

being alone is honestly the hardest thing for me

i just cant escape the thoughts when im alone. even if im unhappy when theres someone else around, it is NEVER as bad as when im alone. i know it isnt fair to tray because i feel like i can be myself around him, but im not alone, so its better, and so i always want him around. i need to figure out some way to fix this so it doesnt become a problem, too much of each other

i just want to feel better

why is this always so bad? being alone just never works out well for me :/

can i just curl up in a ball and die?

i am such a failure

i should have thought of rush hour. why didnt i think of rush hour?! stupid. stupid stupid typical me. this is exactly the type of thing i wouldnt think of. now ive let ariel down and my parents are pissed, and i know tray isnt surprised because this is exactly what i always do

ugh. wish i could have worked out that whole "you hit me i hit you we'll call it even" thing because i feel like i'd have a lot less to worry about right now

at least i have a little bit of time to put it away
got to be all smiles when tray gets back
or at least a lot less upset than i am now

he doesnt need to deal with that tonight
what with finding that blog he'll have plenty to deal with

rawr

this one just for me please? kind of doubt it since tray found the other one and this one is on the same profile, but im feeling too lazy right now to create a new email and a new blog because ill never feel like switching between the two. so maybe tray just wont notice this one? whatever. we'll see what happens