awesome giveaway

I would be so happy to win this awesome vibe. http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2012/12/day-11-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_11.html SO many ways to enter!

its a good thing im not alone tonight

because realistically here, i would probably try to kill myself. i mean hey, seems like my best bet right now

first time i've been disinterested in sex

very strange. i didn't want to have sex. which sometimes happens when im upset, but then its that i want to not have sex. last night, i just didnt feel like it. no reason beyond that. and the sex was great - i just couldn't get into it. very weird.

i just want to know

i just want to know that hes choosing me because he wants me, not because he cant have her and im second best. i want to hear him say that and mean it. not say "mhmm" if i ask if thats how he feels. or if he cant say it, then i want him to tell me that. tell me that if things would work with her, thats where hed be, but thats not the case so hes here. i just want to know.
im tired of feeling like i cant trust what he says because i dont know if he means it when he says he loves me
im tired of feeling second best
more than that, im tired of feeling like i dont even deserve to know if im what he wants or if im what hes got

he says he keeps waiting for me to be mad

well, im not mad. im not going to get mad. im sad. i have been sad and im going to be sad.
im not sad that he slept with her. im sad that it obviously meant something to him. im sad that he didnt tell me. im sad that it will obviously continue to mean something to him, that that something is what hed pick if he could. 
but apparently its only a worry if im mad.
dont worry babe im not going to get mad.

honestly, i dont know which hurts more

the idea of losing him, or the knowledge that he wishes i were someone else when i only want him

maybe it isnt that clear. idk.

based on other times hes managed to notice though, i dont feel like this is a stretch.